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To me, that's a. Appearance does matter, especially hygiene. Which, culturally, is where this falls. If you've noticed the hair, then other people in her life have too.

Sorry, Coolcatjc, moderator here -- taking a detour into the larger quasi-philosophical question of "what is misogyny" or related big-picture questions is really not going to work here.

AskMetafilter questions need to be focused on practical answerable specific things, like "what should I do", so they don't turn into free-ranging discussions.

At this point, you've asked your question, now just let folks answer and you can mark as "best" the ones that seem most useful to you.

It's typical for women to grow more of these visible and dark hairs on their chins and necks and upper lips as they age--and I mean starting in their 30ss.

So keep in mind that even if you wind up moving on and start dating a different woman who appears to have no significant facial hair, there's an extremely good chance that she will eventually.

I think she doesn't know and doesn't want to have visible chin hair. Since it bothers you, you should tell her. Do not cage your conversation as concern about "her health.

As dozens of women have told you in this thread, all people have facial hair. She sounds like she has very normal facial hair and far, far less hair than someone with PCOS would have.

And if she did have PCOS, the idea that not "treating" it is some kind of moral failing on her part is insulting. There's very little treatment for PCOS available.

I disagree with the above posters who suggest planting mirrors at chin level or bringing up facial hair in some kind of casual conversation. I think those kind of tactics may sound like they are sparing her feelings, but she will know that you noticed and didn't tell her directly, she will still be embarrassed, and she will be insulted by the manipulation.

Tell her, "Hey, I know this is a really normal thing for women. I notice you have a few hairs on your chin. Do you know about that?

So if she says she's embarrassed about it, she can take care of it. Jeez that does sound like an embarrassing conversation, but I think avoiding it and dumping her or resenting her is far worse.

The women I know who purposely avoid removing their body hair are women who I would never question their motivations or awareness of the hair.

Does that make sense? I think if she was someone who refused these kind of gender roles, that you would know that about her.

And from what I can tell, you probably would not be the best partner for that person. Facial hair is a highly volatile and emotional social standard for women.

I greatly admire the very few women I know who don't remove their facial hair. They don't have PCOS. They do have mustaches and small beards.

These are women who live as social activists and are very vocal and passionate about their beliefs. Their facial hair is by far the most radical statement they make, and they would not be shy about talking about it with a partner.

So that's a really long-winded way of saying she doesn't sound like someone who actively chooses to have visible facial hair.

She will probably be very embarrassed when you tell her, she will probably eventually remove it. The removal will be something she'll then have to keep up with on a daily basis.

I hope this question and the dialogue you started has helped you learn about the high level of standards women have to reach just to live and be considered "acceptable.

Suffering Jesus, just talk to her. It's ok if you can't get past it, that doesn't make you a bad person. We like what we like.

I can't say that it's ok to judge her negatively, or place some kind of moral or psychological or physical pressure on her, so, you know, don't do that.

Far better to get this out in the open now instead of when you have been married for five years. Just bring it up, and deal with it instead of stewing about it in your head.

Be sensitive, but be honest. FWIW I don't think it was the most right for your girlfriend to pressure you about your back hair either and there's probably a reason you're not still with her.

It's not that I think it's terrible to talk to each other about appearance. But I think if your image of what she should look like is trumping your appreciation of what she does look like, to the point that you're posting about it and considering it a deal breaker, then there's something wrong.

I have sympathy that you are operating in a world that doesn't see women with facial hair as one option for them, so to you it feels basic.

But it is prioritizing that view over the person in front of you. You're not like hey, whatever you do is cool but I'd love your face hairfree.

You're like oh my god what is wrong?? Is it PCOS?? Do something. Also, dealing with facial hair is really public. If your back is waxed and grows back or you have laser treatment on it, you can cover up during the off times.

But on her face if it's red or blotchy or she gets ingrown hairs, it's all public. Finally as we get older our bodies do all kinds of fun things.

I had a hormonal reaction in pregnancy that didn't go away afterwards and the skin around my eyes is all mottled. I would never, ever want to be with a partner who could not handle changes in my appearance I would consider it a given that he would trade me in for a younger model one day.

Men do this because it is societally acceptable for a whole whack of economic and social reasons and you are basically saying you are one of them You may start today!

It is the same "just reality" that kicks great saleswomen out of jobs at midlife, etc. If you want to come out of that view you do need to be able to put hairs in perspective.

It's just hair For those wondering how she might miss it if she wears make- up, these chin hairs can be very stealthy, and grow at angles you don't see straight on in the mirror.

I would just mention it with the least amount of fan fare and apology. If I had a small cut or blister or something on my neck, my partner wouldn't hesitate to mention it to me; he'd assume Id want to know so I could choose how to handle it.

If he mentioned a few chin hairs in the same way, Id be a little emvarassed but that would pass quickly and Id be glad he'd made me aware.

That's just my point of view. Is your GF generally meticulous about her appearance? Hair and makeup, fashion conscious clothes?

If so, this hair non-removal should be assume to be deliberate -- something you decide to live with, or not.

If she's more casual about her appearance -- ask her to remove it, but be prepared to be dumped if you do! Everyone has body hair. I'm frankly shocked that you've never noticed this in other people you've dated or even just spent time with.

I had one previous boyfriend who asked me to remove some of it which he found displeasing during sex.

I did so, because it was a serious relationship and honestly, if this is a thing he finds important enough for sex to ask for, that's fine with me.

Also let's be honest, I also enjoy sex. My current partner has never brought it up. After a reasonable period of time I asked if he had any preferences about it.

He said it didn't matter to him. I know, women really can have it all nowadays, right? In your girlfriend's position, I would probably be waiting for you to bring it up.

At which point I would consider whether I felt like complying with your request or not. If I did not want to pluck my chin hairs despite good reasons supplied by you "I think it's important to keep yourself up for your partner" is not a good reason , I would continue not doing so.

Oh, and fun fact? The guy who didn't have weird hangups about the fact that I'm a human being with body hair? Reader, I'm about to marry him.

I think the safest strategy here is to honestly be curious about her but without judging. Something like, hey can I ask you a super-personal question?

I'm sure you've thought about removing the hairs on your chin? But you'd have to really, really just be interested in what the answer IS, and be able to say, huh, that's interesting.

I'm not even sure it's in the way you ask, you just have to have that kind of relationship where her assumption is you're doing the former and not the latter.

Do you? Maybe she has no real preference and will ask you what you prefer. Maybe her answer will make clear to you that you'd better just drop the subject and decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

You'll have to listen. When we were first dating, my husband's long nostril hairs squicked me out. As we became closer and more sexually involved , I mentioned it.

He trimmed them and has done so ever since. If he considered this to be some terribly draining chore, it's never mentioned it in over 30 years together.

I really feel like telling you you need to get over this, because mammals are weird and they just get weirder as they get older. Have you got ear hair yet?

You probably will. How do you plan on removing that? That's a hella painful area to tweeze, not an easy area to see to shave This is why you see older dudes out in public with ear hair: their barber takes care of it when they see the barber, but between visits, it grows.

Are you planning to be a man who has electrolysis on his ears in middle age for the sake of your partner?

You are maybe a decade away from new bodily maintenance issues presenting themselves. Will you be Minoxidilling it up when you get a thin spot?

Plucking those odd non-beard upper cheek hairs? Grooming the non-eyebrow brow hairs? Anyway, the "couple Also, in re.

Early on, my partner was surprised, and quite mortified when he realised he was wrong, to find out: I do not dye my grey. It's been 2. He's often been bearded and I am nearly never without the lipstick, so they read more as compliments, I think.

Mostly it's just nice if we're clean. Gussying up is for going out. But he has ear hair, and I offered to have a go with tweezers. At which he winced terribly, so, I used clippers with no guard and mowed it down that way.

If you do not have a pile of hang-ups invested in these things, it really isn't that hard to say "Hey, you have hair here, did you know?

But it sounds like the problem is more the pile of hang-ups. That you are not close enough to cheerfully and kindly say "Hey, did you know you have a few hairs on your chin, can you even see them?

Don't worry, it's not, like, a beard! I would do a lot of introspection here, and THEN ask. There is probably something you are doing "wrong" in her eyes -- do you want to hear she's tired of snagging her nails on your cheap acrylic sweaters and you should switch to wool or cotton?

Everybody knows your "Rolex" is fake so throw the silly thing out already? Find a better barber as this one doesn't know how to deal with your boatload of neck hair?

Everybody's got something. Another thing: Think about whether you're likely to make another big appearance ask. To my mind - leaving questions of gender aside - making a big appearance ask about something that is under your partner's control without dramatic life-changes is probably okay in a relationship.

Maybe you find your partner's new hairstyle really off-putting, or you get hair in your teeth during sex, or you are overwhelmed by how hot they are if they grow a beard, etc.

Making a single ask in a good relationship about a modification that your partner can readily make, and being willing to take no for an answer - that seems reasonable.

Making a lot of asks all the time and constantly nit-picking their appearance, or asking for something that is basically "you have a beard and hate shaving, could you be clean-shaven instead even though you hate shaving" or worse So I guess another question for you is - looking into your heart and being honest with yourself, do you feel that this is the ask?

Like, you're not going to start asking her a bunch of other stuff? If this is the ask, then ask politely.

If it's actually NBD, just work on learning the mental trick of getting used to it. That's a good trick to know in the long term, for one thing.

For me, I actually did ask a partner to change an appearance thing once and I don't regret it - but it was once , and forever after in that relationship, I was done.

I made one request that was important to me for what I felt were good and sufficient reasons, and that was it. If this is "it" for you, then go ahead - but be sure that it is.

Also a lady with facial hair, and I think for all the wide-ranging answers here, your final paragraph is what matters most.

Are you willing to lose her over this? Yes, it is quite possible she will be angry or upset. Yes, this is a sensitive subject for a lot of women and a bellwether for whether or not you will be nitpicky about her appearance.

So if you're willing to lose her, then fine, it's OK to ask. If you feel like you'd rather have her with the hair than not at all, I would keep my mouth shut.

I'm going to be generous here and take you at your insistence that you really are concerned about her health.

You can stop worrying. If the chin hairs were a symptom of a medical problem and that medical problem was bad enough to be concerned about, she would have other symptoms, much more concerning symptoms than a bit of facial hair.

Maybe there are more now because she's between waxing appointments, maybe its just because she's at the prime age for these sorts of changes or maybe she's just growing them out because she's comfortable enough with you to do that now.

They are longer because that is what hair does. I have some chin, neck, cheek, and boob hairs. I pluck them for my own sake and my partner never gives a shit.

He will pluck the ones on my back if he remembers. I poke the odd shoulder hairs, and we generally keep an idea in our head of each other's body hair pattern.

He has never once mentioned the health aspect no PCOS, indeed I have the ovaries and uterus of a healthy textbook example or that I should do something about them or the belly stripe - again normal for women - or my pubes.

He has said he prefers my hair long but still is attracted to the buzzcut-me, and similarly for me and the beard although he looks significantly younger without it which can be more offputting than just aesthetics.

Your position is one that ignores what is normal for women and tries to claim a better access to knowledge about women's bodies than you have. But chances are she missed a waxing appointment and you just have no idea on her grooming rituals because you haven't even realised they exist.

I would say, "hey u got a chin hair," in the spirit of idle discovery. Nthing MYOB. I think you could probably pass it off as part of your own routine, and anyone concerned about chin hair might benefit from some aspect of it but in this context it is just crazy [post Xmas party] advice that should be ignored.

Still agree that you should not discuss this under any circumstances. Deal with it or don't posted by cotton dress sock at PM on December 18, [ 2 favorites ].

Hair on her chin isn't a problem. I fell off a cliff and split my chin open, and now have long, thick, dark hair that grows out of the scar, despite being light-haired.

The scarred area is delicate, and it's painful to tweeze, so I shave it off when I feel like it, and don't when I don't. It's a thing many women have.

Your sense that she should be concerned with correcting anything you don't physically like about her IS a problem. The fact that you're dating her doesn't make her body yours.

I agree that attraction is important in a relationship, but I also don't think her grooming decisions are really your business One way to go about this social minefield: - Could you maybe start by asking her what HER physical preferences are in you??

Does she want you to work out more? You said that attraction is important in a relationship, so you should want to please her, you should be prepared to make changes, too!

This requires a great deal of tact, because if she's dating you, she probably will feel hurt if you imply that anything is her fault.

Maybe start by saying, you look good in [outfit]! Your hair looks nice when [ ] And I also prefer it when girls have no stray facial hair?

Hm this sounds like a challenge in tact LOL - good luck! Also you should be prepared to make changes with her! The patriarchy is stupid and unfair, but you don't have to be!

If you ask her this, you need to offer an equal and equally entitled trade. I'm very fair, and my hair is fair, and I had one chin hair.

However, it was a good 2 inches long before I noticed it. I hit that area with the IPL on the regular now. I was out with some girlfriends a few weeks ago and ALL of us had a story that was something along the lines of "This weird hair was like a million inches long before I found it.

You've taken a lot of heat about this question, but I'm not sure any of us can command ourselves to be attracted to someone - no matter how much we like and respect that individual.

There are lots of people that we like as friends but don't pursue as partners. As much as we may want to smash oppressive beauty standards, attraction is difficult to command.

If this chin hair business is a real issue for you, then be an honest partner and ask about it. If she says, "Yes, I know about my chin hair, and I'm good with it," then you can make a decision about whether it's a deal breaker.

Let me grab a tweezer," then that's okay too. She may also decide that they don't bother her, but she'll pluck them because they bother you.

The other thing is that you have an assumption that partners stay attractive for each other. That's not always the case. I know plenty of people who got married and immediately stopped doing the extras.

I know other people who consider primping and pampering to be for themselves and if a partner benefits, well fine, but that's not the objective.

I'm in this camp. If you have a problem, then be an adult and have a conversation about it. Don't hint or hope. Personally I think a lot of the answers here are pretty harsh.

For many people, it's not just possible to turn physical attraction to someone one and off at will. And, like it or not, physical attraction is also important to people in romantic relationships -- especially at just a few months in!

From my own experience, though, when little physical flaws start bugging me in a way they have not before, it's usually a sign that the relationship is on the downturn.

Obviously this issue was not such a dealbreaker early in the relationship or you would never have had a second date.

That this is now bugging you so much says to me that perhaps you should do some thinking about whether fixing this one small issue would really solve all your problems with the relationship.

Otherwise, I think 5 months is soon enough that it's fine to say -- look, it's just not working out, let's go our separate ways.

I'm not sure if this is just an AskMF thing, but there seems to be a great deal of diving down OP's throat about misogyny over this. Or maybe it's just a guy thing.

If my female, 9 years younger partner wanted me to change something about my appearance I would do almost anything within reason.

Of course I am more than happy to do any of those things and if she were to change her mind I would change things like that because they don't really cost me anything nor do they change who I am.

Similarly, she has asked my opinion about her hair and I've expressed my preference and she's gone with that happily. I do remember a previous girlfriend who had slightly mad spiky red hair for red, read purple.

This was her "quirky thing". It was fun, if perhaps a little on the mad side for her age. Occasionally she would ask me what colour she should choose before going for another salon session, and occasionally I would suggest that she tried a different colour for a change.

But it always came back purple. Not really a massive thing I guess. Interestingly, a while after we split up she had it done in a similar style but blonde, and it looked great.

The point is that in a relationship that's working well I believe that both parties should be happy to do these relatively simple things for each other without questioning why the other likes them.

I'd be fine to do anything that didn't require immense pain or make me look daft to the rest of the world.

I think OP would like some help with the phrasing of the question rather than a dressing-down about its validity.

It's a relationship, and OP doesn't need a reason to break it off as we're told so often , and so logically it follows that even the weakest reason in the world is at least as good as no reason at all.

More importantly, it reflects the mutual commitment within the relationship. If OP asks and I agree that it should be a straight ask with a side of "I just prefer this, sorry" rather than any kind of fake health concern then the answer should be taken at face value.

The answer might be "sure, I'll get it sorted, I just haven't got around to it". Or it might be "I had no idea", or "it's really hard to do, because of X reason".

Or it might be "stop trying to tell me how to look, I don't think this relationship is important enough for me to be bothered doing something that's your preference and not mine".

Or any number of other responses. He can then take it from there. Not from the resulting hair, but from the position taken by his girlfriend.

My sister and I both have visible facial hair. We inherited inhairited? Sis cares not in the slightest about hers. I shave and pluck obsessively.

The difference: I dated a guy who was bothered by it. He was "worried about my health. I had nightmares for months.

Guess what? Nothing wrong with me. I'm just a mammal. Would you stop your technically single friend from getting fucked?

I've only ever dated one other person prior to this and it was a long term relationship. I'd broken up with my girlfriend over something I'd heard a week prior to this incident.

Me and this girl were technically not together but we were talking; I guess shed gone out this night and went to a frat party. At this frat party she made out with a guy got drunk and I guess he took her to a bathroom to..

Read More. Sunday, June 18, PM by Isaac. So this is a bit of a short story, Iv been I love with my girlfriend for almost a year now, she's the most amazing and pretty girl I will ever meet and I cannot get over the fact that I am in a relationship with this woman.

Everything was fine over the year, plenty of sex and gifts and love between the 2 of us. One day I thoight I'd drive up to her house and surprise her with some chocolates a..

Saturday, April 22, AM by Guest. I travelled over seas and was away for 5 weeks. Friday, March 31, PM by Mitch. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years now.

We have a one year old son together and things have been very shaky since since she gave birth to him. Our sex life hasn't been great since I often catch her staring at other guys when we are out.

One time when we were out we had one.. Wednesday, March 22, PM by Guest. Is my girlfriend cheating on me? So, firstly, my english isn't that good, so take easy on me, guys.

Here it goes: My girfriend and i have been together for like 5 months. And there is this ex-guy of hers thats always after her, always wanting or trying something.

They are kind of "friends" as she says. Some time ago, he asked her out, saying that he was quite bad emotionally, lonely and so on. He wanted to go with her to..

Sunday, March 19, AM by Cuck potential. One of the hotel workers got pretty friendly with her. He was taking her on tours of places etc and doing the whole flirty..

Thursday, March 16, PM by Guest. Girls are quite emotional therefore it would be hard for them to accept any bad comments on their appearance.

I don't think saying something cute about her facial hair would work, she might think that you like it and keep it.

Maybe you could ask one of her friends or siblings to tell her. If not, you can try taking close up pictures with her together.

Once she see's them, she might realize her facial hair and do something about it. I think you should also convince her to not shave, shaving tends to leave to stubbly hair.

Convince her to try waxing or plucking the hairs from her upper lip.

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